I always find these kinds of posts difficult to write, so much fills my head but I feel some force which prevents me from writing or speaking about it. I didn’t know how to, for many reasons, mostly being how it would be perceieved as I’m not great for explaining my feelings clearly.

Basically everything Zoe has said in her latest post is how I’m feeling, down to a T. I urge you to read it, it’s an honest write up of the industry right now.

For the longest time now I’ve felt like I’m the outsider, okay, some reading this may feel confused or surprised as yes I’m with one of the biggest talent managements in basically the World right now but as you can imagine it comes with a little (lot) of comparison pressure.

Last year was great, my numbers were smaller but I was getting good feedback and interest from brands, they showed that it wasn’t all numbers but content, and that gave me confidence, because what I lacked in numbers I made up for in content.

Fast forward just a few months and the truth is it’s rapidly changing, and you’ll probably hear more from those who are currently working in this industry.

It’s more about numbers and basically who you’re associated with, now I do believe  collaborations are cool, I’m all up for that, with someone who I share similar interests with or are along the same lines content wise. However what I see are loads of cliques, and trust me I’m not being a whineing tit here, it’s just true. People who you used to talk to or even associated with no longer speak or reply to a tweet because you’re simply of no use or not of the “moment”

It’s all very fishy…

Going back to the outsider remark, I guess how I actually feel is lost. I’m not in any particular group, and not that I like that whole situation, but it becomes evident that despite how good your content is if you’re not “IN” right now you are otherwise obsolete.

Honestly this stuff is hard to write about in the sense because it comes across all woe is me but it’s just shit. Along the same lines of a friend who is fucking amazing in her profession can’t get a job after getting a top notch degree so is working in a supermarket, BUT someone was offered a job that wasn’t even advertised. Why? because it’s who you know, more than likely. Again association.

If you follow my social media you may have seen some changes, mostly involving health. I’ve always been a kid that worries, I tend to let things build and get stressed. However a few weeks ago something happened that made me think, I need to change something. This industry is a gift and  a curse, a gift because I genuinely love what I do, and a curse in the way you can feel, well how I do right now.

I’d been overthinking and panicking over work as some brands take months to pay, so as you can imagine it’s difficult to plan. One morning I woke up and felt like I couldn’t breathe properly, I thought ‘ah it’s stress’, then as the morning went by I felt like my throat was burning and my chest was tight. I kept shrugging it off thinking it was nothing but I felt really really sad inside. I asked the kind folk of instagram and they all resounded  that is sounded  like anxiety. This actually made me cry I’m not going to lie, I thought crap what have I done to myself. Rich took us shopping in Newcastle and I felt I was about to burst into tears any moment, it was utterly alien to me, a woman in one of the stores tapped me on the shoulder and said  “erm join the queue” not aggressively just being, well being a dick, and I said “I was only looking for someone” then scurried away with tears in my eyes. THIS IS NOT ME. I’m fiery, tough, would normally have said something sharp but direct and descent back but no no,something has changed…

So I’ve been channelling my energy into wellbeing, eating well and getting fit. I love learning about nutrition, as you’ve probably guessed and how foods can effect us. I found this difficult to put on instagram initially because although people follow “you” some don’t like too much of you, it has to specific or relevant to a particular interest. I began in 2013 posting food idea posts but because it’s not relevant to beauty or fashion per se it got negative feedback so I had stopped…

I love the creativity in this field but the shady side is making it difficult to enjoy, obviously there’s more to divulge in but that will be left to unfold itself. So like Zoe I’m left wondering what course to take, do you give up what you love for something that will probably pass or create a new path to even more uncertainty. It’s confusing and disheartening but it’s a passion that I’m positive will see a reward, I work too hard and am too determined for it not to be. I think it’s a case of putting the blinkers on and remaining true. I must also stop doing the whole comparison bollocks and be kind to myself, I have a child and a home that I’ve had to rip to bits so them things alone require my time.

I’ve been working the hardest I ever have, improving my photography,blogging almost daily and filming, editing and uploading twice weekly. I believe there’s still great brands out there who look for great content, Reiss is one of them, they work with creators of varying numbers but the standard remains high. I appreciate it’s all business though so I’ll just crack on, just sometimes we need to express our feelings, we’re all human.

In other news, you seem to like the inexpensive clean eating recipes I have been doing so I shall continue, because, as they say, health is in fact wealth!